Quick movie update

A quick round up of the films we've seen in the last week and a bit. I mad the most of the VCR in Sydney (before Richard bought it) by hiring Top Gun, which I'd never seen. Anne thought it was odd I'd never seen it, since I've seen so many films. I quite enjoyed it - it was so cliched and silly (partly because I've seen it copied so much I suppose) but ultimately well done. Very silly in parts, and Quentin Tarantino seems to have the subtext down pat with his "Go the gay way" dissection. Three and a half stars!

Also in Sydney I watched Changing Lanes while Anne was working (she'd already seen it). Ben Affleck and Samuel L Jackson in a witty revenge drama. Pretty entertaining, though tied up too neatly at the end. Three and a half stars.

At Coffs Harbour YHA we've seen two vids. The first was the dreadful Vertical Limit. This is a mountain climbing thriller which is just ridiculous. It stars Chris O'Donnel, with the supporting cast being either unknowns or bit players in US TV series. It has some entertaining moments I suppose, but everyone watching was laughing at the bits which ought to have been tense and exciting. One and a half stars.

Better was The Patriot, which we saw last night. This long US Civil War drama, starring Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger, is entertaining and fun. I remember when it came out there was controversy about the accuracy of it, but I certainly didn't come away thinking I knew more about the civil war - I didn't assume it historically accurate. Gruesome in places, and not as good as Braveheart, it gets four stars.

Now we're in YHAs and don't have the pick of the video library (or even, necessarily, a say in what's on) I figure the quality of the films we watch will be much more variable.

Free spirits. No, make that Bad Attitude

Hello. Stephen here. We left a raining Sydney by coach at 1pm on Monday - bye bye Sydney. We were on our way - free as birds. However, I was getting stressed. No more security. Carrying everything on our backs - how would we cope? Plus my knee was still smarting from the weekend.

But after a three hour journey (US Marshals on the video - I didn't watch it) we arrived in Newcastle. It wasn't raining, but it was very windy. The hostel was nice - a heritage building, big staircase and roaring fire. We immediately signed up for a free meal at a local Irish pub - they get the backpackers in by giving them a free meal and the backpackers buy drinks. Everyone wins.

We met in reception at 6.30pm, and walked to the pub with ten others (in line). Anne didn't like this. It reminded us of ITV's Club Reps programme and we half expected to be made to sing dirty songs. We were feeling quite antisocial. Oh dear - bad us. When we got to the bar the free sausage and mash was just fine, and we got talking to an Aussie couple who were travelling around. We left after two drinks and were in bed by nine (after sitting reading by the fire for a bit).

Next morning were were catching a coach to Port Macquarie at 10. I got in a strop when we didn't have milk for coffee. Grrrr - need my morning coffee. I was being irrational and calmed down after a bit, but realised I need to change my routines and work out what I need and don't need. We bought milk when we got to Port Macquarie - job done.

On Tuesday afternoon, just after we arrived, we went to a Koala Hospital, run by volunteers. There was some information to read (which Anne, as ever, lapped up in style of Number 5 from Short Circuit) and then there were several pens with trees in. We got to play Spot The Koala as we looked in the trees. Some had been brought in suffering from burns following bushfires, others had been attacked by dogs or hit by cars. Some had "wet bottom", a form of chlamydia (sp?). One particularly was a sorry sight. She was almost blind and would never leave the hospital. We watched a lady feed her with a milk solution, and the koala was the most animated we've ever seen one. It was quite amusing. Anne got all soppy - I doubt she'll ever want to eat a koala sandwich again.

Later that same day, we were walking to town when Anne slipped on a metal grate and fell like a sack of potatoes. I didn't have a chance to try to save her, though obviously I would have done my best had I had time. She fell on her hip and elbow, and got a wet bottom. I offered to take her to the koala hospital to see what they could do, but she refused medical attention. There was nothing I could do - Anne's and awkward patient. She soldiered on, moaning. It was raining, and didn't stop raining before we went to bed (past ten this time!)

So are we coping? We're pretty fussy people, so I guess it will take us a while to get out of our routines. Many of the other backpackers seem to be gaunt and unhealthy, with persistent coughs, so we're determined not to fall into similar habits. Most are also well under 25, so we're feeling pretty old. But this morning was nice and hot and sunny. We wandered around Port Macquarie, and sat on a bench reading our books in the sun - glorious. The coast here is pretty spectacular, with some big waves. I think at one point we may have even started to relax!

So, on to Coff's Harbour by coach in an hour or so. We're spending two nights there (and then have at least two nights at each stop until Brisbane) so we can slow our pace a little. Go, laid back us.

A man of leisure

Yay - no more work for me. I left The ABC on Wednesday. Quite an experience there. I was working on improving the processes in a few areas, and was designing diggy Excel spreadsheets to do lots of cool things. (Remember that this is accountancy so "cool" is a relative term.) I borrowed a book from Andrew and Shae on Excel programming and have now taught myself macros and VBA to a reasonable level. After I'd designed a sheet, full of whizzy macros for the petty cash officer I went through it with her and taught her how to use it. It was clear to me that this spreadsheet would save her a lot of time and make her record keeping better. I'd made it idiot proof so she couldn't corrupt it - only the cells she needed to type in were unprotected, and there were double checks and validations everywhere. Anyway, I didn't want to scare her off as she's quite a nervous person, so I took it slow and walked her through the process. After the first day, it was clear that this would cut her work by a huge amount, so I was surprised when she said, "Yes it's good, but I don't think I'll be able to use it." Oh dear. I asked what was wrong and said that I'd change it to her specifications. She said that she was worried that if she used this spreadsheet she'd have nothing to do for much of the day. And that attitude pretty much summed up the culture there, and, I've heard, at many public services. So long as you fill your day it doesn't matter how inefficient you are. Grrrr! I didn't tell her that her boss was looking to throw more work her way, but I was pleased that by the time I left the cashier's office was running smoothly with my program, and she seemed happy.

I was also working on another department, where I was hindered at every step by the guy I was trying to help. He was such an arse, and seemed to think I was there to make his life more difficult. If he'd given me the time and support I needed I could have cut his workload and made his life easier, but as it is I had to leave that to my replacement (whom I advised to go over this guy's head and not to rely on him).

So having finished work, I am now unemployed - hurrah! We have a few days to sort things out, and then we start our trek up the coast to Brisbane, where we'll meet up with my mum.

Today and yesterday I've been sorting out accommodation and coach trips between Sydney and Brisbane - we leave for Newcastle (about three hours north) on Monday, after our flat's been inspected.

After a nice meal in a Spanish restaurant, we went to our final quiz at our local bar last night. Richard came too, so of course we won (we need him for the music and sport questions!) I was touched when the quizmaster gave us a big pack of Tim ams as a leaving gift (if you've read my praise for these Aussie biscuits you'll know why I was so happy). We stayed afterwards and chatted with him and the quiz regulars after. I'll miss the routine of our regular Thursday quiz. In the three months we've been here we've not missed one Thursday, and have won all but two times. Creatures of habit, us.

So now our routines are gone. Travelling is, by its nature, a haphazard and disorganised affair. It's apt then that we have our two week journey to Brisbane planned with military precision, and have accommodation booked for most of our stops. Ahem. One step at a time I say. Maybe by next February I'll have relaxed, and will wander round singing "Hakuna Matata" (sp?) all day. (It means "no worries".)

(When I say we have the journey planned with military precision, I'm saying it's planned well. Looking at the number of "friendly fire" incidents and other PR disasters in the recent Gulf War you may think the term an oxymoron.)

Ah, extreme odd trial

That's an anagram.

Of The Matrix Reloaded. This is my review. We saw it at the flicks on Saturday afternoon (and brilliantly escaped the rain). I loved the first film. I liked it at the cinema, but I've seen it on DVD a few times since and I think I like it even more now. It's so stylish and original, and Keanu Reeves does really well as a dazed and confused Neo.

So the first of the two sequels (next one out in November!) Was I excited? Probably not as much as I was with the second X Men film, since the first one was really good without blowing me away, and it was clear that the sequel could be just as good. There was nothing that original or different about X Men - it's just a retelling of an old comic book. With The Matirx I thought they'd have to go a long way to equal it, so I wasn't expecting miracles.

So I'd have to say that I wasn't that disappointed since I was expecting to be disappointed. If you follow me.

The film's exciting, and fun, and there are some great bits (the freeway chase, especially). However, there's very much a "seen it before" feeling. Hugo Weaving's Agent Smith seems to have been relegated to comic relief, since seeing so many clones of him is just amusing and you never really feel he's going to duff up Neo good and proper. Equally Neo doesn't seem as kick-ass as he was at the end of the last one. I suppose the fight scenes wouldn't have been as good if he just moved his arms around nonchalantly.

And as I was expecting, whilst Keanu Reeves was perfect for a Neo who didn't quite understand what was going on in the first film, he's less well cast as a saviour and superhero.

The effects are good, but watching CG people running around often feels like you're watching a cartoon. During Neo's fight with multiple Smiths I was in turns amazed and bored by the technology. The scenes of Neo flying were great, and made me wish they'd hurry up and get the new Superman movie into production. Alas it seems that's not going to happen for a while. (They should get Nicolas Cage back on board for that too.)

Back to TMR, there's too much rubbish philosophy in the film, especially in the first half hour. "But what is control? Do we control machines or do they control us? Ahhhhhhh - do you see? Ahhhh." There is some good stuff though, especially with a discussion of Neo's purpose as "The One" near the end, which changes your understanding of the films (I don't think I fully understood it, however).

So not a disaster, but not an equal to the first one. The original was a five star movie, but this one's just a three star one. That's probably a bit unfair on the film, since it's being judged in relation to it's predecessor, but I never claimed to be fair. Perhaps it will seem better once the trilogy's complete.

A bit of rambling about our plans

We'll be leaving Sydney next Monday and starting Stage Three of the Big Adventure - travelling anticlockwise around Australia from Sydney. (Stage One was Tokyo, Stage Two: living and working in Sydney - keep up at the back!) We'll be giving up what little security we have with our jobs, our cosy little studio flat and the people we know in Sydney. We are quite (as in completely) excited. I've no idea how we'll fill our days.

Once we've left Sydney I won't be in internet cafes so much (indeed, can't afford to be - they're more expensive outside the big cities). This blog will probably change from a place for my rambling thoughts with diary also to a travel diary proper. This will please a number of you.

Australian youth hostels tend to be pretty good, so there's no need to pity us too much. Unless we have to, we won't be staying in dorms - we're in our late twenties, so of course we're above the straight-from-uni travellers who come to Oz for the sole purpose of destroying their livers and we don't fancy sharing a room with them.

I'm a little worried that will mean we're less sociable than other travellers (he says, having just snobbishly put down a majority of the travellers here). There's less motivation to chat to strangers when traveling in a couple. When you're travelling alone you have to talk to others to keep from going mad. It may be that we find that we too have to talk to others if we drive each other mad, of course.

We won't have a TV any more, so less of The Simpsons for us (and fewer movies too - sob). Some youth hostels have a wazzark lantern in the common room, but you have to put up with what other people are watching. (What am I saying? It's more than likely to be The Simpsons - that show is always on, and is internationally loved.)

For the moment though, it's time to start getting things in order here. My job finished today (huzzah!) and Anne's ends on Friday. My mum's coming to Oz to travel around a bit so we're timing it so we meet her in Brisbane. With our recent weekend hikes I may even be able to keep up with her - she usually wears me out when we go walking with her.

A visit from the police

On Sunday night, at about 10.30, the mad couple next door started another big row. We couldn't hear the bloke but the girl was screaming like crazy and there was a lot of banging. We were tired of it by now and concerned about the violence. When I threatened to call the police last time the girl said she didn't want that. I didn't threaten this time, I just called them, and they came about 20 minutes later.

Between the time I called the police and the time they arrived, the couple on the other side of the mad couple complained about the noise. I went out to have a nose and lend my support and the guy was outside saying that he wasn't hitting her and his girlfriend was hitting him. I really don't know what to believe, but was getting sick of it. He was very desperate for us not to call the police (I didn't tell him they were on their way) but when he went back in the rowing didn't stop.

When four policemen arrived (we buzzed them in when we saw them on the security camera channel on our telly!) Anne and I stood by our door listening in, and it was one of the weirdest conversations we'd heard. Certainly not the sort of thing you hear on The Bill (which The Aussies adore!) Two talked to the guy inside the flat, and two brought the girl out into the hall and talked to her. They were both drunk, though she was speaking clearly. She moaned about her man for a while, and said that he goes out wearing one shirt and comes back in another. She said he's seeing another woman in the building - a "55 year old big Italian Mama" (they're both in their early thirties, maybe late twenties). When the police asked if she worked she said she didn't as there was no point, then went into a tirade about wages in coffee shops.

We then heard a foul-mouthed outburst when another resident came out of the lift. She screamed at him, calling him a "troublemaker" for calling the police and suggested he was homosexual. This was all while the police were there! Those poor coppers had the patience of saints.

The policeman said they'd have to keep the noise down, else they'll be back. He said, "if we go are you going to keep on rowing?" Our jaws dropped when she said she may murder him. The policeman paused before saying, "don't say that. You're not serious are you?" and she went into a long speech about how she'd thought about it, but then everyone wants to murder someone at times. We expected her to be carted off at this point, but amazingly she wasn't.

The policeman suggested she seek help, and try to find somewhere else to live, but she refused, saying that she'd end up in "the projects" (state funded housing) and the people who lived there were absolute scum. I couldn't believe she was saying this and would pity anyone who had to live next door to her.

I say the girl was speaking clearly, but at times she was talking absolute rubbish. She started telling the police about the angels in heaven at one point (not connecting it at all with her situation) and at one point said that she was so angry that she was shivering her timbers. I think I nearly revealed my location at this point by laughing out loud.

It was a nasty experience, and though some of it was very funny, we felt very sorry for the situation these people were in and sad that they seemed to have accepted it and had no intention of doing anything about it. Sad sods.

Mind you, we were the ones cowering behind our door in turns giggling and being horrified at what we were hearing. Who are the sad sods?

The police came to our flat afterwards (giving the game away quite spectacularly - our neighbours will now know for sure who called them!) and told us to call if there was any more trouble and that the couple were well known to them. To be fair, whilst we hear them a fair bit it only explodes like that about once a fortnight. We didn't hear much more from next door for the rest of the night, and will be out of there in a week. Yay!

Tuesday movie review

As Anne said yesterday, I won't review The Matrix Reloaded until it's released in the UK because I'm nice.

Which means only one review today: Man On The Moon the biopic of Andy Kaufmann. This is a reasonable movie, and pretty amusing in places. I'd rarely seen Taxi and wasn't very familiar with Kaufmann's comedy. The film seems to ask, was he a madman or a genius? I'd say neither. He seems to be a pretty mediocre comedian, though he obviously caught the US's attention at some point so maybe he had something.

I liked that they got a lot of the cast of Taxi back to play themselves when they we younger (though without enough screen time to make it look ridiculous). Great REM soundtrack too. Three stars.

More photos

I've added a batch of new photos to the Yahoo photo album today (link to left). Annoyingly, when I went through and rotated the ones that were on their side they got put to the end (as the most recently added) and so some are now out of order. Grrr.

Release a book today

I've been told about a great web-site called Bookcrossing.com. What you do is sign up, and then leave books you've finished with in public places with a note inside and someone else can pick them up and register what they're doing with the. A cool idea when it works. Sign up today using this link with me as your referer (My "Screen name" is Oz-Traveller). Once I start travelling I hope to get through lots of books, so this could be a good way to get free ones.

Do "traveller" and "travelling" have one "L" or two? Different spell chacks are telling me different things and I've just got confused.

Jobless and homeless (in just over a week)

We've given notice on our flat, and I've given notice at work. Yay! We'll be off travelling soon and are dead excited.

After me thinking my boss might be a bit of a git about it he has, of course, been fine. I clearly worry too much. I now have less than a week left and (bar any casual work we may do on our way round Oz) I now won't be working until next February at the earliest (assuming no disasters force us to change our plans) (and assuming we don't find we hate travelling!)

Go us

Last night was our penultimate quiz night at The Brighton Bar on Oxford Street. We've been every Thursday we've been in Sydney and it's been great fun. We won by a silly amount last night so got the $40 bottle shop voucher. If we win next week we'll just buy everyone a drink since we won't be able to carry all that "grog" in our backpacks.

Not that winning is a foregone conclusion anymore. We've now not come first twice. Last week we came third (sob).

This quiz has been a great way to meet the locals. The manager of the bar has been an invaluable source of info on the Aussies, and all the regulars at the quiz (including the quiz master) are really friendly. Funnily we probabl;y feel more part of the "community" here than we have done in Ealing thanks to this quiz. (We started going to one in Ealing, but they stopped it after a few weeks.)

Published again

Following last Wednesday's 650 essay on plastic bag taxes, I've now got a letter in the Sydney Morning Herald. It's in response to yesterday's Heckler, which was about the two types of people on escalators - those who stand and those who climb. Obviously, I'm one of the latter. Here's a link to the letters (mine's some way down - search for "climber"), though that link will be out of date after today, so here's the letter:

Steps ahead of the upwardly mobile

I recognise myself as one of Janine Harrison's escalator "climbers" (Heckler, May 14). She claims we are of a more primitive mindset than our laggard companions - the cruisers.

I've often looked at this dull, motionless lot with pity. They must, I imagine, be so exhausted from sitting on a train that, having travelled a good 30 metres from their seat, they need a rest. Perhaps their lives are so futile that they know that it doesn't matter a jot when they reach their destination, since no one will notice their presence.

The climbers bound up the stairway with joy in every step. "Hurrah - a new day has begun. All rejoice with me," we seem to be singing as we skip gaily up.

Like Janine, I've chosen my team. May the more nimble win.

Stephen Taylor, Darlinghurst, May 14.

Budget time

The federal budget was announced yesterday. No red briefcase outside Number Ten for these cats, just straight-talking down in Canberra.

Tax is a hot point in Australia. The Aussies are always complaining about tax from what I can see. I think this comes from a distrust of government in general. Despite this distrust, Aussies are pretty law-abiding and, after a good moan, go along with what their government says. I've read that this complaining about the government whilst doing exactly what they're told can be traced back to their convict origins, but I'd say that's a bit of a stretch, especially given that about 50% of the population has arrived in the last 50
years or so.

Anyway, yesterday income tax was lowered for all, partly thanks to more tax coming in through the Goods And Services Tax (GST), which was introduced a few years ago (amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth). This is a sales tax like the UK's VAT, but the rate is lower Â? 10%. The across-the-board income tax cut benefits the wealthy more than the poor, so it's a pretty crappy measure.
There's going to be a Federal Election later this year, in case you were wondering.

Of course, defence got a boost in the budget thanks to "The Times In Which We Live". The recent defence-budget-justification-exercise in the Gulf seems to have done its job and arms manufacturers are grinning all the way to Armageddon.

The papers are saying the public health service - Medicare - should have got more investment. From the sound of things it's not in a great state (much like the NHS). I'd like free dental care to be introduced, since I've just lost a filling. I phoned around some dentists this morning and I think it's going to cost me about 100 quid to get it replaced, and that's if I'm lucky and it doesn't need a lot of work. Grrr! I could do without this expense, especially since I've just forked out for new contact lenses.

Perhaps I should rescind my resignation from my job at the ABC? Nah - of course I'd rather travel, even if it does mean no income. We leave in a under two weeks! I guess it's budget time for Anne and me too.

A saturated solution

It's been pouring with rain for a couple of days now. Grrr. This morning I could barely see out of the window - the rain was that heavy. However, it had died down a bit when I left the house, and I had an umbrella and a slightly water-resistant jacket so I was OK. I was nearly at work when I thought "Ha! I've beaten the weather. The torrential rain has proved no match for my umbrella and slightly water-resistant jacket. Look at me - I'm as dry as can be!"

At just that moment a bloody great bus drove through a puddle right next to me and soaked my trousers through and through. There were loads of people near me, and yet I was the only one who got wet. I swear I saw a smile of the bus driver's face.

I tried to pull off this disaster with style and grace, but wasn't sure how to look nonchalant when my trousers were dripping water.

Not a good start to the day on which I'm going to really annoy my boss by giving a week's notice.

Misspellers of the world untie

I've figured out why I'm getting so many visits from people searching for "Delta Goodrum". It's because I've misspelt Delta Goodrem and so people who also misspell it (by putting a u into the last name where the e should be) have a greater chance of getting my page (or another page which similarly misspells the name) than a proper site. The influx seems to have stopped now - perhaps everyone else but me can now spell.

I'm sure I looked it up when I first wrote it, but I guess whatever site I looked at had also got it wrong.

Footbrawl - the angry Aussie

The Aussies like their sports, and why not - the weather's generally pretty good out here, and the TV's pretty bad, so spending time outside is the better option. However, they don't appear to be the laid back race I'd been led to believe by the Fosters and Castlemaine XXXX ads. Every Monday the news is full of football (AFL) and rugby players who are waiting for the sports judiciary to decide their fates following violence during the weekend matches. Two weekends ago an Aussie Rules footy match descended into an all-out scrap! I know this happens in the UK sometimes too, and our soccer players certainly aren't the most placid chaps, but this is every week, and there are usually a good four or five players in trouble. We've seen numerous eye-gouging incidents, plenty of "collisions" with the ref, and a whole host of punches, kicks and pushes. (I've not heard much about fan violence here, so perhaps the fights are kept on the pitches, unlike in the UK.)

And it't not just in sport that the Aussies could do with demonstrating some anger management techniques - they're very aggressive drivers too. They use their horns a lot, and reports of road rage incidents are common. There was a report recently of a man barging a woman off the road, dragging her out of her car, beating her and raping her. Blimey - no need for that! Hardly the "no worries" attitude to life I was expecting.

I put this to a taxi driver when I was on a trip for work. He said that the Aussies used to be laid back, but because of immigration since WW2 nearly half the population were only second generation Aussies or newer, and that has changed the make up of the population. I don't have the information to check his figures, but that would be a very large proportion of recent immigrants. I wonder if he's right. He did say that things are more relaxed outside the big cities, which I suppose is inevitable.

Still doesn't justify the racism that is rife in a country where the vast majority of the population are themselves immigrants.

Violent crime is fairly common, though I can't say whether it's more common than elsewhere. What is amusing though is they call a mugging a "bashing" as in "an old lady was bashed today as she walked home from the shops." An unpleasant meaning, but trust the Aussies to give it a funny name.

Aussie Film Week

For once the movie reviews are actually relevant to our Big Adventure, since the three films we saw this week are all Aussie films. All were on video, and first up was a film Richard brought round: Two Hands. This was released in about 1999 and stars Heath Ledger as a bouncer in a Kings Cross strip club, trying to work his way up in the Sydney underworld. Kings Cross is the red light district of Sydney, popular with travellers as it's cheap and has lots of hostels. We've reasonably familiar with it (we looked at flats there) so it was good to see it on film. The action takes place at various places around the city, many of which we recognised. Aussie films made in Sydney seem to be keen to avoid showing the opera house and bridge - presumably they are just for the tourists. It's a good, enjoyable film and gains half a star since we recognised some of the locations. Three and a half stars.

Next up, Crackerjack - a comedy about a Bowls club with comedian Mick Molloy. He plays guy who is a member of a bowls club simply to get a city parking space, and is roped into a tournament when the club hits hard times. Lots of jokes about the old people's sport and pretty amiable. Nothing you've not seen before, but well made and a decent gentle comedy. Three stars.

The third film in our Aussie Trilogy - Rabbit Proof Fence. This was out in the UK a bit before we came away, and is directed by Phillip Noyce. It's about the "stolen Generations" of Aborigines. Right up until the seventies half-caste children were removed from their Aboriginal families and put into camps to train them in white-ways "for their own good" This attempt to breed to Aboriginal out of the children is astounding and, naturally, is something the Aussies aren't proud of. At the time, however, they genuinely seemed to believe it was for the children's own good. This story follows three such kidnapped kids as they escape and try to get home on a 1500 mile journey along a fence (a rabbit proof one). The film's good and at ninety minutes doesn't have time to drag. Kenneth Brannagh is very good as the "protector" of the Aboriginals (i.e. the one responsible for implementing the cruel policy, and for looking for the escapees). The astounding story overwhelms the film a little, and it's hard to really comprehend how far these kids have walked. Four stars.

The Matrix Reloaded comes out here on Friday - yay! We'll try to see it at the weekend. I suppose that that's kind of an Aussie film too (filmed here). But doesn't really count.

Danger, danger - low voltage!

Following Anne's post on Sunday with the story about her not conducting any electricity, I was wondering if there could be a commercial use for such a person. Any suggestions would be welcome - I could make my fortune yet...

Losing my brain?

I'm having a crisis of confidence. Having completed the weekend Herald cryptic crossword two weeks in a row I began to get cocky. I thought I was invincible. I was walking down the street with a new-found swagger which said to the public, "Look at me, go on - look at me. Ask me anything. I'm a cryptic crossword mastermind I am."

My comeuppance was not long coming. This weekend I could only complete half of the crossword (I know it was half because I counted). And today's is going even worse. What is happening to me?

Mind you, I've entered the prize crossword competition three times now, and haven't won the Macquarie Dictionary. What are the chances of that happening?

Sixties Nine letter

Here's the letter I sent to Streets a few weeks ago, following the suggestions on this site. I had the final ice cream the other week (Guava Lamp) which was OK, but if you're going to have a fruity ice cream, stick with a Solero I say. Thanks for the suggestions. No reply yet. I'm sure they're just running a feasibility study on them or something.

Dear Sir

I am a big fan of ice cream, and have enjoyed your Magnums for years. The Sixties Nine range this year has been especially good (even if the ads have been a bit racy!) I didn’t like the Candy Warhol one at all though – why “musk” flavoured ice cream? Isn’t “musk” something animals secrete?

My favourite is the ChocWork Orange, or the John Lemon.

I have thought of some more puns for ice creams you can add to your range. Here they are, along with some suggestions of what the ice creams would taste like.

Barley Harvey Oswald – perhaps the chocolate coating could have little bits of barley in, or the ice cream could taste of orange barley. Or lemon barley.

Cuban Missile Cassis - this one could be really nice!

Viet-Naan – This could taste of naan bread that you can get in Indian restaurants. I know this sounds bad, but the Candy Warhol one wasn’t nice either.

From Russia With Fudge – after the James Bond film “From Russia With Love”

Beam Me Up, Butterscotchy – this is like Mr Kirk says in Star Trek!

Apple-O 11 – Apollo 11 was the spaceship that landed on the moon. I don’t think you’ve done an apple Magnum yet.

Blackcherry Panthers – like the US militant group The Black Panthers. This could have black cherry ice-cream. If you didn’t want black cherry flavoured chocolate too you could have liquorice chocolate. Or blackcurrant flavoured chocolate as I don’t like liquorice and I don’t think many other people would.

Ice Cream of Jeanie – Like I Dream Of Jeanie. Plain vanilla for this one.

Elderflower Power – like Flower Power. This would have a white chocolate coating and would taste of elderflower. It might be shaped like a flower too!

A-Choc-alypse Now – instead of “Apocalypse Now”

I had a lot of fun coming up with these. If you decide to use any of these I don’t want any money, though some form of acknowledgement on the wrapper would be nice.

Yours faithfully

Stephen Taylor

Big Bother

Big Brother started here a couple of weeks ago (the third Australian series, so I hear). There are two houses - a "round" house and a "square" house. I guess they'll try to shake things up by moving people between houses at some point. The nominations are different this year too - they ask the housemates for the two people they don't want to be evicted and then the two housemates with the fewest positive votes are up for nomination.

Other than that, same ol' same ol'.

Despite my explanation of the Aussie Big Brother nuances there, I've not watched more than a couple of minutes at a time. Having been a fan of the first two UK series I tired of the third and can't be bothered any more. The Aussie series isn't doing too well in the ratings, I gather, though it's a bit early to tell. It's on at 7pm every night (meaning Seinfeld is no longer on - grrr) which means all the swearing has to be beeped out. Since one of the houses seems to be filled with potty-mouths that makes for pretty tiresome viewing (unless you're into "dance" music and can get a vibe from the incessant beeping, I suppose).

I read in The Herald that they're filming the British show "I Wish I Was Still A Celebrity - Let Me On The Telly" somewhere up the coast. So glad to be away from that. Apparently it's doing wonders for the economy in the area though, so it's not all bad.

These reality TV shows certainly had their moment, but I'd be happy for them to curl up and die now. Having said that, Anne was glued to "Surprise Wedding" the other week. That was until it became clear that every single couple was going to end up getting married and no one's lives were going to be destroyed on national TV. How dull.

Strange, punctuation

Upon closer inspection of my article in The Herald yesterday I saw that some commas had been inserted in (I say) the wrong places. This can only be due to the "editing" process. What do we pay our newspapers for?!

I also noticed a few grammatical errors that were all mine. Oh the naked shame!

Published in Oz

Following my Metro letter tirades it was inevitable that I'd try to instigate change using pen-power here too. Today it happened. Here's a link to my "Heckler" article in today's Sydney Morning Herald (under the rather imaginative pseudonym, Stephen Taylor). I've pasted it in full below.

I'm quit serious about this tax - I think it's great. Apologies to Anne's sister, Kerry, for making her famous in New South Wales.

How about a tax on plastic bags?
Stephen Taylor has good cause to bag grocery shopping.

Since coming here from Britain a few months ago, I've been overwhelmed by the generosity of checkout staff in supermarkets. When it comes to giving me free plastic bags, these people are not backward in coming forwards. Refusing to throw them away, and preferring to reuse them, I have a large ball of the things festering under my kitchen sink.

In one supermarket I went to the checkout with eight small items in a basket and left with them dispersed throughout four plastic bags. Funnily enough, the staff member who served me was wearing a badge encouraging the frugal use of such bags. At least the thought was there.

Over time I have become more stubborn and out-spoken, and have begun to refuse the blasted things. But when faced with a surly checkout girl, who takes it as a personal affront when I tell her I've brought my own bags to reuse, my bravado soon fades. I want to reason with her and say, "Don't you realise your attitude towards distribution of these bags is irresponsible? They will just become litter, or landfill, and damage the environment, taking decades to biodegrade. It will be your children and grandchildren who suffer. You're destroying their planet, you heartless ignorant fool. Mother Earth's blood is on your hands." I don't say all this of course. I'm British, and that would be terribly impolite.

I'm particularly sensitive to this issue, not because I'm environmentally friendly (although I try to do my bit), but because my girlfriend's sister has a bee in her bonnet about it. When she's visiting us and we go to the supermarket, if we have forgotten to bring our own bags we are forbidden from using new ones and end up carrying home vast amounts of shopping piled precariously into our arms. What we don't drop on the way home we keep.

The solution? Follow the Irish. On a trip to Dublin last year I was initially taken aback when charged the equivalent of 30 cents for each plastic carrier bag I used in the shops. This was due to a recently introduced tax on the bags. The tax is there to reflect the fact that these bags are not free, as they carry a very real cost to the environment. My initial indignation was soon replaced with surprise at how easy it was to adapt to this regime - my girlfriend and I simply carried a few bags in our pockets.


The only downside of this was that we were carrying the same plastic bags in just about every photo of our trip, giving people the impression that either we shopped at the same stationery shop every day, or we treasured these particular bags so much we were unwilling to let them out of our grasp.

So, I recommend a tax on plastic bags. We could do with the same thing in Britain, too, but from my experience the problem is less pronounced there because British supermarket staff rarely pack your bags for you, their thoughtful inaction giving you greater autonomy over the number of bags you use. If this measure isn't taken and the problem continues, I may have to bring my girlfriend's sister here. Then you'll be sorry.

Delta a success!

Well, following my post about Delta Goodrum a week or so ago, I think I can now tell that she is a success in the UK without looking at the BBC's web site. I've just looked at my site traffic report and have seen that most people are arriving at this site after searching for "delta goodrum" and related topics (usually from a UK IP address). Always welcome new readers, obviously, but am afraid they're going to be disappointed when they get here!

Lady Dr Penelope

Following a (deserved) sharp dressing-down of a supermarket checkout girl, one of Anne’s friends has nicknamed her “Margot”, after Margot Leadbetter (Penelope Keith) in The Good Life. I guess that makes me Jerry (Paul Eddington – he of the immaculate comic timing)

This is an unfortunate coincidence, since Anne would prefer to be more like the delightful Barbara Good (Felicity Kendal), with me being like Tom (Richard Briers). Anne thinks the self-sufficiency life would be a good one, though I can only assume she means in an appropriate rural location and not in Surbiton. Yes, it would be hard work, but we’d be working for ourselves and being “at one with nature”, and the rewards would far outweigh the costs.

However, if I am to be likened to a Richard Briers sitcom character, I’m afraid it would more likely be well-meaning but irritating busybody Martin Bryce from Ever Decreasing Circles. I’m not that much of a busybody (and certainly am not at all irritating) but I’ve had my moments of policing the neighbourhood.

Back home in Ealing I’ve had to phone the council a number of times to report abandoned cars in our street. Bl**dy lazy, thoughtless scum! (The people who abandoned the cars I mean, not the council.) I also repeatedly complained to the council about someone’s hedge that was taking over most of the path, forcing pedestrians into the road. After a few months and a few calls I was pleased to see as I walked to town one day that the hedge had been cut back. Then I realised that the whole flat was empty and heard from a neighbour that the aged tenant had been moved out and put in a home. I suspect my complaints brought him to the council’s attention and I feel a bit guilty about this, though I have to assume it was for the best. (Ahem.)

Anyway, since living in Sydney I’ve had Anne ring the Syringe Hotline (she was working for the council so it was more convenient for her to get the number) to get some syringes cleared from our street (yes, we live in a classy area!)

I’ve also been round to our neighbour’s in our building to complain about the noise a couple of times. The second time there was a girl in there screaming, and shouting things like “Don’t hit me”, “I’m calling the police” and “I’m pregnant you *******, you’ll hurt the baby”. This was pretty disturbing, although she was being so overly dramatic that I was bit suspicious she was just a drama queen.

When the guy opened the door in his pyjamas (yes, he had a door in his pyjamas – do you see what I did there?) I said I’d be calling the police soon if they didn’t shut up. He was pretty calm, and I couldn’t really judge if he’d really been beating his girlfriend up. The girl was hidden around the corner so I couldn’t see the state of her. He told me that it wasn’t him making the noise and there was nothing he could do about it. In my tired state I said “Well shut your girlfriend up then”. I realise this came out wrong! I called to the girl and asked her if she wanted me to call the police and she said no. I said in that case keep the noise down and consider the other people on the floor, in my best Richard Briers voice.

At one point the guy said, “We’ve lived here for longer than you”, implying, I think, that that meant I had no right to complain about anything. That threw me a little and I paused, before asking, “What’s that got to do with anything??” He conceded that it had nothing to do with anything and we continued our (reasonably civilised) row. After a while he asked me for help to move his things out of there and find a new place to live! I really just wanted some sleep and didn’t want to get involved.

They did shut up eventually. It may be that he gagged her before thumping her further, but we got to sleep all the same. It’s a horrible thing to hear, but I did offer to call the police and she declined.

Fortunately I didn’t say “Keep the noise down, it’s after midnight” which I nearly did, since when I got back to our room I realised that it wasn’t even half past eleven – Anne and I had gone to bed really early after a tiring day!

So anyway, if I’m Richard Briers in Ever Decreasing Circles rather than The Good Life then I guess that makes Anne another Penelope – Martin’s long-suffering wife Anne Bryce (Penelope Wilton) - instead of Felicity Kendal. I have to assume that Anne is suffering in silence and waiting for Peter Egan to come along so he can flirt with her and bring some much-needed light into her life. What Anne doesn’t realise is that won’t happen. Sitcoms aren’t real – doesn’t she even know that?

Tuesday movie reviews (contains X Men 2 spoilers)

Here are the three films we watched in the last week:

We saw In The Bedroom on video, an Oscar nominee from a year or two ago. I wasn’t keen on this as it looked a bit dull, but I went with it as it came highly recommended and enjoyed it a fair bit. It starts slowly and gradually gets interesting. It then takes a nasty turn and gets a bit miserable, before changing again half an hour before the end into something more sinister. Good performances and an interesting film. Three and a half stars.

Also on video, we say Spy Game starring Brad Pitt and Robert Redford. Whilst not a bad film there was little in this to deserve its cast and I was left feeling disappointed. Two stars.

The big one of course was X Men 2. I liked it a lot. I’ve read reviews which praise this film saying that it’s not as dull and clinical as the first film, but I think that’s unfair on the first film, which I didn’t think was dull and clinical - I thought it was a good film which did a good job of introducing the characters and concepts to non-fans like me and also managed to be fun and interesting. Anyway, the second film expands on the characters from the first (mainly Wolverine) and introduces some cool new ones. Great fun and not as dumb as it could have been.

Pity the guy who plays Cyclops – the dullest of all the X Men. What’s his mutation? – he has a laser gun in his head and has to wear sunglasses all the time. That’s not very cool when his mates get to teleport, heal instantly and read minds. I bet he’s bitter inside. He probably fears his friends only take him along for his firepower. If he dies his chums would be sad for a bit, and then go out and buy a gun to replace him. I suppose that’s the nature of random mutation. Perhaps elsewhere in the X Men universe there are mutants with utterly rubbish powers, like being able to digest paperclips (but no other metals). Or harmful ones, like being able to lose all your limbs at will (a power that can only be used once).

It’s a great blockbuster action flick, but one criticism I have is that there were too many “exciting” climaxes at the end, which tended to lessen the overall impact. I’m a bit sick of this trend in recent action movies. The ending goes something like:

“Oh no – all the mutants are about to be wiped out – PANIC!”
“Oh wait, it’s OK, they’ve been saved.”
“But look, now all the human’s are going to be killed – YIKES!”
“Oh, hold on – they’ve been saved now too.”
“But wait one more minute - the building’s going to collapse. Our heroes are surely for it now!”
“No, no. They’ve escaped – look.”
“Oh yes, so they have. But feel my dismay as I see that their aircraft is about to be engulfed in a huge amount of water!”
“My goodness you’re right. Oh would you believe it – saved again.”

I was tiring by now of these shrinking threats, and half expecting it to continue…

“Oh no, now Wolverine’s shoe-laces are undone. What if he trips over?!”
“No, he’s seen them and tied them now.”
“Oh yes, so he has, but look – a sparrow has flown into the windscreen of the aircraft!”
”It’s OK – the sparrow is only stunned. He’ll be fine in a few minutes.”
…etc.

Another criticism: other than in one (good) fight scene, Kelly Hu’s Lady Deathstrike is underused. Also, her blades come from her fingertips, rather than from the knuckles like Wolverine’s. By my reckoning this means that she’ll have much less power behind her strikes. Wolverine can lock his arm and put the whole of his bodyweight behind his attacks, but this poor girl had better have mighty fingers! And how can she clench her fists when her blades are retracted? The adamantium knives, which can’t be bent, would surely rip through her fingers and hand. Unless they retract all the way into her forearms, I suppose. Oh yes, that must be it.

(Hold on – also why doesn’t Cyclops’s laser burn through his eyelids, or the inside of his head? If you think you’ve spotted an inconsistency which could bring down the whole X Men universe and make it not believable any more, add a comment below.)

Criticisms aside I enjoyed this witty, action-packed blockbuster. Four stars. (I’m tempted to give it more but feel I’d probably be letting my childlike excitement get the better of me.) Let there be more sequels please.

No worries?

Stephen here. If we came away to Australia shirk all responsibilities and forget about home and the UK, I must say we've not really succeeded. Since we left we've had a lot of stuff to deal with there and seem to have been on the phone to my mum a lot to get her help.

Just before we came away I received a speeding fine. I've never had one before, and was a bit annoyed, but it's my own fault so I can't complain. It meant, however, that I had to leave my driving licence at home and my mum has been dealing with it. Grrr.

We're renting out our flat in Ealing and are paying a letting and management company to find tenants and manage the property. They found tenants without too much difficulty (but we did have to pay for a new bed to be put in the spare room). The problems started when the gas inspector found that our (relatively new) gas fire was not installed properly and "capped it", meaning it can't be used until it's fixed. B&Q only installed it in February 2002, so it's still under warranty, however we can't find the forms. We thought we'd given them to the management company but apparently not (they better have look thoroughly!) My mum's been searching through our stuff for them, and we've written to B&Q. B&Q don't seem to be able to find any record of the installation. Grrr.

The next big problem is the bl**dy Inland Revenue. They've fined me 100 pounds for not submitting a tax return for the year ended 5 April 2002. You only need to self-assess if you receive a return to fill in. I didn't receive one (and have never had to self-assess before - I've always paid tax via PAYE). Perhaps they had an old address for me, or it got lost in the post. Or perhaps the unhelpful idiots didn't send it. Am I supposed to have phoned them on the off chance that I was meant to receive a form? Last year my mum didn't receive a return to fill in, and phoned the Inland Revenue to ask why (since she usually self-assesses). They were quite patronising and told her that if she didn't receive a form then she didn't need to submit one and perhaps she should go away and leave them alone. What a stupid system when they'll fine you for not returning a form, and the only way you know whether you're obliged to
submit a form is if you receive one, and they have know way of knowing if you received it or not. Grrr!

I've had to pay the fine and have appealed. The Inland Revenue haven't acknowledged my appeal and my mum can get no joy from them. I've asked them to send a new form to my mum's address so she can fill it in for me and submit it, but they've not sent it and have instead sent a threat of a further fine if I don't submit it soon. Grrr.

From this you may be able to tell that my mum is a godsend and is probably getting sick to death of us being away and having her run around sorting everything out for us! (Sorry and thanks, mum!)

Things were probably easier before mobile phones and the interweb. At least then we'd have been blissfully unaware of all the problems back home.

Quiz and drugs

After a blip (fourth place!) a couple of weeks ago, we won the quiz again last night. It seems we can't win now without Richard's help as he's good at music,
sport and geography. We won by a few points against our arch rivals - it was a good night, with plenty of friendly rivalry.

Now onto the drugs. There's been a big scandal in Australia this week with a massive recall of pharmaceuticals and alternative medicines. A company called
Pan Pharmaceuticals has been accused of poor practices and falsifying test results, resulting in some of their products differing in active contents by
700%. Apparently people who took a herbal travel pill were trying to jump off ships and out of planes from the hallucinogenic effects! The big problem is
this company supply drugs to other companies who sell them on and there's a lot of confusion within companies as to whether their products are sourced form this
(allegedly) rogue company. It's led to pharmacist's shelved being cleared and huge lists of recalled drugs in the papers. A bit of a mess really.

X2

We saw X Men 2 (or X2) at the pictures last night. It came out first here in Oz, which was nice (partly because we're ahead of the rest of the known-universe, time wise). I won't review it today or write any spoilers, since I know some of you will be seeing it at the weekend. For the moment I'll just say that I enjoyed it, though the ending suffered from a problem common to
a lot of blockbusters nowadays. A good start to this year's winter blockbusters.

After the movie Anne and I played The X Men on the way home, with me trying to scratch Anne with my Wolverine-like unbreakable adamantium claws (unbitten fingernails) and Anne being the lovely Dr Anne Grey (i.e. an-gry).