Gimme Delta

Neighbours star and singer Delta Goodrum (a.k.a. The Lovely Delta Goodrum) seems to be all over the place at the moment – every time I turn on the TV or open a magazine (perhaps I’m reading the wrong magazines). Another Neighbours star turned singer – ho hum. Apparently she’s my friend Shae’s cousin’s cousin. Impressed? From the few shadows I’ve glimpsed on the wall of the BBC’s website-cave I see she’s also made an impact in the UK.

What a name though – Delta! If I have a child can I call it Omega? Or, like George Constanza in Seinfeld, Seven? How do lots of celebs get away with names that would get most kids beaten up in the playground? You don’t think twice when an actor has a name like Harrison or Keanu.

I don’t tend to follow celebrity babies in the press, but Anne pointed out to me that Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker called their newborn James. I find this quite refreshing in this day and age, especially when people like David and Victoria Beckham exist. Why celebrities, like the Beckhams, feel they have to differentiate their own children from the masses with ridiculous names I don’t know. Is great wealth and a privileged childhood not enough? It’s self-defeating as an elitist move, as plebs soon follow suit and call their children things like Marrakech and Tyranny. The latter is genuine and was related to Anne by a doctor friend in the UK who helped to deliver the poor child. I’ll bet he was tempted to declare it dead at the scene and smuggle it out of the hospital, to save the wretched creature from the agony of growing up with such stupid parents. Honestly, you need a licence for a dog, as they say.

My family aren’t innocent when it comes to strange names. I’ve been looking into my family tree recently, and, when searching through records of birth, marriages and deaths, I came across some great names. One of my ancestors was called Alcimus Coulthurst, son of Ithiel. The best name I found was Beppjebbah. It’s a name that sounds like it needs an exclamation mark after it. It’s the sort of word you would find useful it if you were a magician. When you performed a particularly impressive magic trick you could shout “BEPPJEBBAH!” and everyone would be rightly taken aback. As a name though I feel it’s lacking a certain finesse.

I’m not against novelty names per se. At a barbeque in London a few years ago we met a couple who had called their two boys Joel and Ethan. I had to ask if they’d been named after the Coen Brothers (film directors) and the couple said they were, and were quite chuffed someone had picked up on it. Fantastic. If I pretended I’d never met these people then I could call my kids Joel and Ethan and say it was my idea.

For once I think the French have got it right, only having certain “legal” names (although they choose silly names like Pierre and Jean for a man!) The rest of civilised society (controversially implying the French are civilised) should follow suit in order to stop silly people giving their kids ridiculous names. Stephen’s a sensible name I think, as are Peter, David, John, Michael, Tony, Simon, Richard and Tom. Let’s stick with those names for boys, and I’m sure we could come up with a similar number of proper girls’ names. We’d then have a set list of legal names and no imagination would be needed on the part of new parents.

Once this has been finalised, if you want to call your child a name that’s not on the sacred list you’d have to submit it to a committee (I nominate me) and the committee (me) would decide whether or not it’s allowed. If you name your child without the committee’s approval and give it a silly name you are liable to have your child put into care to avoid it being emotionally distressed when it gets to school.

Tough but fair, I think.