Following a (deserved) sharp dressing-down of a supermarket checkout girl, one of Anne’s friends has nicknamed her “Margot”, after Margot Leadbetter (Penelope Keith) in The Good Life. I guess that makes me Jerry (Paul Eddington – he of the immaculate comic timing)
This is an unfortunate coincidence, since Anne would prefer to be more like the delightful Barbara Good (Felicity Kendal), with me being like Tom (Richard Briers). Anne thinks the self-sufficiency life would be a good one, though I can only assume she means in an appropriate rural location and not in Surbiton. Yes, it would be hard work, but we’d be working for ourselves and being “at one with nature”, and the rewards would far outweigh the costs.
However, if I am to be likened to a Richard Briers sitcom character, I’m afraid it would more likely be well-meaning but irritating busybody Martin Bryce from Ever Decreasing Circles. I’m not that much of a busybody (and certainly am not at all irritating) but I’ve had my moments of policing the neighbourhood.
Back home in Ealing I’ve had to phone the council a number of times to report abandoned cars in our street. Bl**dy lazy, thoughtless scum! (The people who abandoned the cars I mean, not the council.) I also repeatedly complained to the council about someone’s hedge that was taking over most of the path, forcing pedestrians into the road. After a few months and a few calls I was pleased to see as I walked to town one day that the hedge had been cut back. Then I realised that the whole flat was empty and heard from a neighbour that the aged tenant had been moved out and put in a home. I suspect my complaints brought him to the council’s attention and I feel a bit guilty about this, though I have to assume it was for the best. (Ahem.)
Anyway, since living in Sydney I’ve had Anne ring the Syringe Hotline (she was working for the council so it was more convenient for her to get the number) to get some syringes cleared from our street (yes, we live in a classy area!)
I’ve also been round to our neighbour’s in our building to complain about the noise a couple of times. The second time there was a girl in there screaming, and shouting things like “Don’t hit me”, “I’m calling the police” and “I’m pregnant you *******, you’ll hurt the baby”. This was pretty disturbing, although she was being so overly dramatic that I was bit suspicious she was just a drama queen.
When the guy opened the door in his pyjamas (yes, he had a door in his pyjamas – do you see what I did there?) I said I’d be calling the police soon if they didn’t shut up. He was pretty calm, and I couldn’t really judge if he’d really been beating his girlfriend up. The girl was hidden around the corner so I couldn’t see the state of her. He told me that it wasn’t him making the noise and there was nothing he could do about it. In my tired state I said “Well shut your girlfriend up then”. I realise this came out wrong! I called to the girl and asked her if she wanted me to call the police and she said no. I said in that case keep the noise down and consider the other people on the floor, in my best Richard Briers voice.
At one point the guy said, “We’ve lived here for longer than you”, implying, I think, that that meant I had no right to complain about anything. That threw me a little and I paused, before asking, “What’s that got to do with anything??” He conceded that it had nothing to do with anything and we continued our (reasonably civilised) row. After a while he asked me for help to move his things out of there and find a new place to live! I really just wanted some sleep and didn’t want to get involved.
They did shut up eventually. It may be that he gagged her before thumping her further, but we got to sleep all the same. It’s a horrible thing to hear, but I did offer to call the police and she declined.
Fortunately I didn’t say “Keep the noise down, it’s after midnight” which I nearly did, since when I got back to our room I realised that it wasn’t even half past eleven – Anne and I had gone to bed really early after a tiring day!
So anyway, if I’m Richard Briers in Ever Decreasing Circles rather than The Good Life then I guess that makes Anne another Penelope – Martin’s long-suffering wife Anne Bryce (Penelope Wilton) - instead of Felicity Kendal. I have to assume that Anne is suffering in silence and waiting for Peter Egan to come along so he can flirt with her and bring some much-needed light into her life. What Anne doesn’t realise is that won’t happen. Sitcoms aren’t real – doesn’t she even know that?